The Adventures of Ozkar

Ozkar considers who has the best pills in Hollywood (besides him, obviously).

He's not a real Oscar, but he's all I got, for now (I moonlight as a crafty cat burglar)... Ozkar was plucked from a centerpiece 7 years ago, and since then we've been inseperable. So while I await the return of my functional laptop + requisite deface-friendly software, let Ozkar entertain you. He's a contemplative soul.


Ozkar considers healthier choices in light of his newfound backfat and assflaps



Ozkar considers Paris Hilton, laughs, feels dirty.... Must shower...



Ozkar considers a world without Pottery Barn vs. a world made entirely of Ikea.



Ozkar considers himself above average.



Ozkar considers the miracle of tupperware.



Ozkar considers pectoral implants.



Ozkar considers fashioning his very own bat-signal.



Ozkar considers 'Ghost Ship.'




Ozkar considers the celebrity 'sex tape.'



Ozkar considers the 'dude ranch.'



Ozkar considers yoga, de-considers yoga after realizing he was not built to bend.



Ozkar considers flushing it all away.



Ozkar considers the sweet liquid-cancer he guzzles by the barrel.

LSD, Links, & Life After Laptop

Yes, my functional laptop is still dead and awaiting resurrection. God forbid i get messy with some real paint like i did in the good old days. I'm lazy like that. For now, enjoy some links... You know you want too...

Government procured LSD-art / cowboybooks

How to stalk Lohan without really trying / DrunkenSpetfather

Suri Cruise looks worn, sans Photoshop / Dlisted

Things to do with Ketchup when bored / Zug

I may need to start watching this show / Grumpy Old Indian Man

Tara Reid, the Animated Series / Gallery of the Absurd

Say it Ain't so... / Holy Candy

Another TV Dr. comes out / Fag Hags & Handbags

Come on, just 1 more brick: When good schools go bad / Three-Toed Sloth

Helsinki Complaints Choir / 7 Deadly Sinners

Kim Cattrall + rectum tumult / Four-Eyed Bat

Bayul Backwash / Such A Publicity Stunt

Rachel Ray's husband = foot fetish / Attu Sees All

Suddenly, Barbie seemed rather chaste in comparison... / Mollygood

Death of My New Laptop

This is a watercolor i did in highschool, which has nothing to do with celebrities or my laptop, but the girl has the look i had on my face when i 'did NOT drop' my recently deceased laptop.

She may not be much, she may not be that new, but she's all i got. She's my 17" powerbook, and she died a most painful death wednesday night, taking with her my latest and un-backed-up piece, "Britney Be-heads Kevin." Luckily, she is about to be born-again via the free AppleCare repair. And if you are reading this Apple, it's not because i dropped her, i never dropped her, ever, got that, me+drop+powerbook=never happened, EVER.

I am now left with a parapalegic imac (circa millenium) and leprosy-ridden older powerbook, neither of which has any interest in mustering the energy to run Photoshop or Painter, neither of which are fully paid off yet (much like my new broken powerbook that I did NOT drop, i.e. knock-off a couch when i stood up to stretch).

But have no fear, Apple should come to my rescue, shipping back a rejuvenated version of my titanium life-blood within two weeks. In the meantime, through much therapy and medication, I will prepare myself to redo my Brit-Kfed defaced masterpiece and create a "Lohan Holiday" ala Rockwell, which shall be posted here, come hell or harddrive, by 14 days from today (you figure it out, I was never good with remembering the "30 days past September" mnemonic). I promise, I swear, by God and Blog alike.

Da Vinci does: Paris Hilton & her latest victim

Da Vinci may be rolling in his grave over my sullied version of his "Lady with an Ermine", but it's more likely Paris' new ferret goat ratdog weasel candidate-for-puppy-prozac is probably planning his demise (see Nicole Richie's cat). It's a grim fate for an animal, less preferable than dedicating itself to taxodermy. Despite Paris' God-given gift for misplacing pets, this pug may sleep easily at night knowing that if he should meet his end in a locked Benz parked in the sun for 8 hours on a hot summer day, he has a shot at being buried next to James Dean (Marilyn Monroe was already taken). I only pray this lil pug wiser than the rabid-devil-monkey, and goes for her jugular before he expires.

Lady with an Ermine defiled with Photoshop CS and Painter 9

*on a side note, somewhere in the Hilton crib a dead kitten is face-down in its water dish, and Paris is pretty sure it's just sleeping.

**Okay I feel bad about that jugular comment, mostly because my mom just yelled at me for posting 'mean things' on the internet because 'they will come back to haunt' me (I should be so lucky). But seriously now, you have to admit you love her somewhere in the darkest depths of your soul... Honestly, her persona has occupied more hours of entertainment than can be possibly counted--and just how empty would life be sans-the-daily-article on some latest debacle? So it goes, the love-hate-fascination inspired as much by horror as by vicarious-longings one wouldn't dare own up to. As terrifying as that thought is...

Fountainebleau School does: Ken Paves & Jessica Simpson

I have always thought of Ken Paves as the third Simpson sister. Honestly, its not a huge stretch. Plus you can tell Jessica and Ken spoon at bedtime (in a fluffy pet, platonic kind of way, obviously). When I found the famous painting "Gabrielle d'Estrée and one of her Sisters", it begged to be remade in their image. Every night is a giggley sleepover with these two: Jessica paints his toenails, Ken experiments with a new weave on her hair, they slather their faces in avocado-creams, leave catty comments on Vanessa Manillo's message boards, watch "Pretty In Pink," and finally tickle each other to sleep. Go ahead, sneer if you want to. But we all know you're jealous. I'll be the bigger person and admit, yes, I am jealous too.

click pic to enlarge

Gabrielle d'Estrée and one of her Sisters defiled with Photoshop CS and Painter 9

••UPDATE: Thanks to Gallery of the Absurd, Perez Hilton, and Guy with a Broken Smile for posting Ken+Jess.

Botticelli does: Kate Moss & Pete Doherty

These two fascinate me. I lovingly think of them as cartoons with a pulse, albeit a rather erratic one (coke & heroine, recipe for an arrythmia). Naturally, I thought my first post should pay tribute to the Mickey and Minnie of Sex, Drugs, and Rehab. And when i stumbled upon this Botticelli masterpiece , my job was made so much easier since Mars was passed out and uncannily resembled the rarely-sober Pete.

Click to enlarge image. Have fun ferreting out the somewhat hidden drug paraphenalia scattered about.

Botticelli's Venus and Mars defiled with Photoshop CS and Painter 9

*Update Thanks to Married to the Mob NYC for posting Kate and Pete